I get bitter and cynical sometimes, but I knkow that's just me. Somedays I hate the world, and some days I muster the ability to appreciate every tiny little second.
Some days I get overwhelmed by all the sadness. I read the news and I cry. Some days, I just cannot understand blatant and ignorant torture towards other sentient beings in the 21st century. But that's a tale for another day.
Right now, I look around and I see beauty. I see a sleeping puppy curled up next to the man who will love me until his dying day. I see a bird looking around appreciatively at his world from the perch on which he sits, inbetween pruning his feathers. I see another puppy peacefully dozing in the corner. I see a home with stable walls whose decorations remind me of the love and beauty that's around me.
I must admit it is hard sometimes to ignore the pain and anguish and utter tragedy that I witness day in and day out, whether I go looking for it or not. It's hard to put away the guilt I feel for only being able to do so little. Somedays, it's overwhelming.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you see what you want to see. If you look only for pain, pain is what you will see. If you seek out the beauty in the world, then, nine times out of ten, it is beauty that you will get. I should really remind myself of this more often when it comes to the individuals that surround me. I spend a great deal of time pondering the things that bother me about everyone else, very few times to I make a conscious effort to see the good in people. As a social worker, maybe I'm not supposed to say that. But I'm not really talking about my clients; it's easier for me to see the good in people who are used to having the world see only the ugly. I'm talking more about my peers, people I interact with beyond my profession--- just people. I pass judgment far too quickly, and it's something I should work on.
I used to think of myself as a people person, I loved people. But looking back, I wonder now if I ever really was that passionate about people, or maybe I was just really good at faking it. And the older I get the less energy I have to fake it. Who knows.
There is really nothing much that is tangible to which I can relate this rambling...only that it's been awhile, since I've allowed myself to be alone with my thoughts.
It's sad to think about how fast I zip through my days, without giving much thought to the things around me I value so much...without taking little moments to take it all in...sad to think about how fast time passes and how, one day, I will want nothing but these moments to return.
I probably should have called Granny today. Few things in this world soothe me more than her voice and the thought of her.
I did have a nice chat with Jenn today. Nothing terribly special. The pain we felt in our butts from our spin classes, work for me, school for her, boys and housework. Shawn likes to laugh at me everytime I argue with her. He knows she's like my sister and he knows that, like sisters, we'll make up. Even with that knowledge though, there isn't much that upsets me more than arguing with her. I've always been that way and I'm not really sure why. But she's my best friend, for better or worse, and I would dare to say that the kind of friendship I have with her is beyond irreplaceable.
I mean, we've been friends for over a decade. For over a decade, the same person has been the person I laugh with, cry to, and rant with. The same person has listened to my crazy, called me on my bullshit, and loved me in spite of myself. The same person has been the only person I consider calling at 4am when the bad gets worse.
You just don't touch a friendship like that. Not with distance or change or what have you. Doesn't happen. I'm blessed for that.
And a multitude of other reasons.