On writing

I wonder why I don't write much anymore. I used to only write when I was sad, and I find that my "happy writing" as I call it, is choppy and sounds like every other blogger on earth. Funny thing is, I have a lot of really strong opinions about a lot of things that I wouldn't mind speaking of. I want to write again. I just get jumbled and stuck and blocked. It's been this way for awhile now, since I've been happier. And, ironically so, my lack of creativity makes my happy sad.

I guess what it comes down to is that I've always been better at making people feel that they could relate to my problems than I've been at telling stories. And now, I don't have problems, I have stories. I am thrilled that life has come to this for me, that my biggest problem is not having enough to deal with.

But when I was growing up, the times I turned to my journal or came up with my newest masterpiece of a poem (so says the 13-yr-old version of myself) were the times when I was venting my problems. On very rare occasions did I sit down and write in my journal about what I did that day, and even fewer were the times that I actually made that sound interesting. So, I guess, this daily account of life thing never did feel natural to me.

I've always kind of looked at it as bleeding on paper. I bled. But I'm so normal and the inner turmoil that haunted my teenage years has all but disappeared. Not that I wish it back by any stretch of the imagination. Teenage angst + crappy home life does not equal a time for which I wax nostalgic. I just have to find my niche again. And, it may feel forced for awhile. So be it, I suppose.

Even if it's musing about life's little wonders, I guess there's no one saying I have to chronicle a play-by-play of my day or have my blog fall into a specific category. I just miss it. I remember turning in essays in high school and college and having professors and teachers dote on me. A professor I had my freshman year of college asked me to forgive her, but she graded my paper on the level of a graduate student's writing because that's what she thought it was. I might be bragging a little bit, but that made me proud. Praise like that made me feel like I could actually do something with my writing someday.

I still can. I just don't want to lose it for good. I want to write again--- for me. I once had all these big dreams of writing a memoir about my life, and there's nothing that says I still can't do that. I just don't want to lose touch with my ability to express myself with words. I don't sing, dance, and I'm no actress, so writing has always been my way to connect with people through art. I don't want that to go away for good.